Friend’s Shrub: A Quaker Wedding

Silas & Kathrin

That was a squeaky one.

How did you and Gabe meet?

We met when we were 11 years old at Catoctin Quaker Camp. I had a crush on him. He said he had a crush on me, but he’s lying. But then we were on and off forever and ever as counselors, and then we got together—and that was 2005. We officially got together. We both grew up Quaker, and decided, like, our wedding… most of our friends had Quaker weddings, which is funny because in the rest of the world, if you talk about a Quaker wedding, they’re like, what? What is that? And they don’t understand why you would ever do that, because it’s kind of terrifying. You have no idea what’s going to happen.

So it’s 1.5 oz of rum each.

Oh—what is that? Vinegar? Cider vinegar? Is it a shrub? It is a shrub. I forgot my glasses. Oh no. Simple… I feel like I’m a kid making a potion. Making the ice first—oh wow, the vinegar is… this is a Renaissance fair drink right here. Oh no. Oh—it tastes better than it smells. Woo! I think… I think vinegar-forward. It’s medicine. Okay. Medicine.

When it was you and Gabe and it’s time for your wedding, and then the silence starts—what is that feeling like, of like, I wonder what they’re going to say?

I think I sort of got nervous about people just standing up and saying whatever they want. You’re trying to think of something clever, you’re trying to think of something from the heart. You know, I’ve gone to Quaker meeting my whole life, and I will say, the most I’ve ever felt moved to speak is at weddings. I get this fluttery feeling where I’m just like, I’m going to burst if I don’t talk. I felt like it was about receiving. So for me, it’s not, oh, I’m thinking something up to say, right? It was like being open and then waiting for something to come in from somewhere.

Some people share a song, some people share a poem. Some people talk about advice, talk about a funny story. It feels to me like you’re stepping into some river of a bigger idea about love and community and joy—and there’s so much hope. Also, one of my favorite things of the Quaker wedding is the certificate. Every single person at the wedding signs it. And it’s so cool to look at the certificate as a moment in time, and also as a tangible, special thing that says your community is with you—and you’re not just marrying each other, you’re within your context, and your context is just as valuable as each other. No relationship happens in a vacuum, right?

It’s not just you get to come to a celebration for a day and then be done. You’re part of that couple’s journey. We have ours in our dining room. There are two things I really love about it. It’s beautiful, but also looking at who’s next to each other—you’re like, wow, these people will never be next to each other again in my entire life. Then there’s also the really meaningful thing of, there are people on there who have died. And that feels really special, to look at those and be like, they were there—and they are still here with us in this special way.

I have found for myself, when someone has died, I often first go to the certificate and look for their signature, and mark it in that way. It feels really special to have their name up there. Gabe and I joke sometimes, if there was a fire in our house… well, we would save our kids, our kid’s lovies and our certificate. That’s what we’d take.